Aldous Huxley, the famous English Novelist and Critic, once wrote: ”Hell isn’t merely paved with good intentions, it is walled and roofed with them.”

Good intentions come in spades when a trip to Ikea is suggested, not least when its suggested by me. For some strange reason, and against all evidence, I usually feel confident that some other, more pressing, engagement will prevail and my altruistic self sacrifice will be nothing more than a gold star in my copybook of  ’Things I Do For You.’

After an afternoon walking drone-like around clean cut Swedish aisles offering such delights as Leksvig, Barnslig, Fabler, Korall Bubblor and, not forgetting, Sniglar, you start to appreciate what old Aldous was referring to. Witnessing such a confusing array of multicoloured ‘necessities’ jutting out from every angle, I found myself deeply puzzled at what some fluffy fabric or injection moulded bright orange plastic could be (no clues given by the packaging) but couldn’t escape the feeling that whatever it was,  it was somehow essential.

As events transpired, we walked away with a cot, some bedding, some fabric squares (towels?) and something made out of rope. I spent the rest of the day feeling drained, penniless and somewhat unhappy with the living room because it doesn’t have that squiggly rafia thing that hangs from the ceiling…

Jeez, what a day! My fair wife and I decided that we needed more room for stuff. Not least for the new pram, baby bath, cot, etc that would soon be gracing our small abode. 

So, after a call to our local storage company and a not so small payment for the hire of a unit for 6 months, we have spent the day lugging what felt like the GDP of Belgium down Easter Road into Leith.

Luckily we had the help of my Brother-in-law, a long suffering man to whom I owe a huge debt of gratitude. We also had our wee niece up (she’s 2! awww) to keep the missus busy whilst us men grunted, huffed and rubbed our chins in the way only men can. 

Eventually, we managed to clear most of the years of accumulated junk out of the various nooks and crannies of our modest 1 bedroom Edinburgh flat and you would not believe the amount we gathered – I have quite clearly been living in the Tardis for the past few years as the shit just kept on coming! 

Anyway, it was mildly enjoyable in the sense that for once I didn’t have my head buried in a Java text book and found to my amazement that I was actually able to string a sentence together without a semi-colon or curly braces!

In all other aspects it was horrible!